Rest in peace grandpa, wherever you may be. We will miss you.

I know I have to make this decision in a matter of days but I don’t know how. Everyone keeps telling me I have to work out what decision I’ll regret later on, but honesty I have no idea whether I will or not, and I can’t work out if that’s a good reason to do it or not to.

I miss you so much and you don’t even know because you won’t talk to me. And I don’t understand when we went from being best friends to me not being good enough for you.
And I definitely don’t understand why instead of being angry at you because you can’t accept me anymore that it makes me want to become a person I would disrespect just to get you to talk to me again.
And I hate it that I can be feeling that knowing that you would never even think to do the same. That at the same time as I’m sitting here trying to forget how you’re pushing me away, you are out ‘having a good time’ not even noticing that we might as well be living on different continents.

If you stay, then I’ll stay.

When I’m with you, I don’t pretend I’m someone else. I don’t try to be funny, or to look happy, or to seem smarter than I am. I’m just me. And I think you may be the first person in the world to which I feel like I can show every aspect of myself.
And you make me happy. I don’t have to fake a smile or think about laughing at something funny, because that would feel unnatural. I’ve never been very good at being naturally happy, but now I just am.
And I’m not going to lie and say that doesn’t scare the shit out of me most of the time. Because if you go I’m going to be completely lost.